The Portrait of a Girl

Saturday, July 26, 2003
I started this thing a year ago. Nobody read it.

That would be because I used a fake name and didn't tell anyone I was writing it.

So why?


Wednesday, June 19, 2002
i don't even think i HAVE any regular readers here so whether i write this or not doesn't make much of a difference... however, just in case (haha):

it was fun for a bit but i'm trying to cut down my computer time and increase my real-life time. and along with wwdn and soapbox, i shall be attending this blog much less frequently.

seeing as i'm typing to the void and nothing else, i can't imagine i'll be missed... but in case you came here and were wondering. good bye for now, void.

Tuesday, June 18, 2002
there's a question i like to ask people, which i stole from American Beauty. (a film i love but have seen absolutely too many times.) ricky and jane see a funeral procession passing, and she asks "have you ever known anybody who died?" i also stole the situation, come to think of it, because it's not exactly a question you throw out in the middle of nowhere. i ask it when the topic arises: death in general, or a specific death/funeral.

have you ever known anybody who died? it's a beautiful question, perfectly phrased.

answers, surprisingly, vary. there are a fair number of people who haven't, for one thing; many of us live very sheltered lives. and there are also a fair number of people who have, and grieve as sharply as the day it happened as soon as the memory surfaces, and people who look back fondly but distantly... depending in part on the closeness of the person who died, i suppose.

three of my grandparents died before i was born or out of infancy. the fourth is in a nursing home somewhere, though she is not senile/bedridden, and i do not know her at all. i have few direct relatives to begin with, and they are all alive. a few students at my high school committed suicide or died in car crashes, the usual north american high school fare, but nobody i knew.

so until a year ago, i hadn't ever known anyone who died.

my "favourite" teacher from elementary school, whom i had known since i was seven years old, who was a mentor and friend and guide, developed cancer a few years before, then died in july 2001. i spoke at his memorial, which was probably the worst few hours of my life. i had never known grief, and i grieved terribly; even then, what i saw in his family and friends far, far exceeded my own. so my answer is yes.

have you ever known anybody who died?

Sunday, June 16, 2002
much has happened in the past few days. worth communicating? undecided.

i've been spending a fair amount of time reading messages on the soapbox at, to the point where i am very familiar with a lot of the regulars who post, especially in the BAC, WWDN, and Everything Else forums. only, i am so far playing the audience and not the participant - (one signature i've seen says "you are not your fucking post count," which i like...) so while i am familiar with many of these people (or at least their online personas) it is not reciprocal. i've never actually been part of a message board before, so when i read about how unique this one is i have no experience to back it up- but i readily believe it. it is civil and highly enjoyable. and while i haven't posted a lot, i too love to climb up on the soapbox.

other things going on: a friend and i practiced sleep deprivation for almost two days straight. interesting experience. saw star wars, finally: better than episode I, thankfully.

that's all for now.

Thursday, June 13, 2002
tired tired tired. i think it's the weather- hot hot hot. i am drained, i am weary, i am spent.

this is not to say i'm unhappy. nothing wrong with lying in the sun all day.

still: tired.

and i have work to do. (here it comes, Complaint of the Week!!) i have to clean up my house and make my backyard look nice 'cause i decided to invite people over. poor, poor me. i have such a hard life. :P

interesting side note: i predicted the lakers in four and detroit in five. one for two so far; i'll get back to you later tonight to make it two for two, i bet.

other interesting side note: change/update in mindset: have sex on the brain an awful lot lately for a non-Y-chromosome post-"relationship" situation. in case you wanted to know.

Monday, June 10, 2002
what is it that makes me think i know what the real world is, and so many people don't? i read a lot of blogs or emails or have a lot of conversations where these people i know, my age, my background, my life, only not me- girls, the majority of the time- have this illusioned existence. it can range from the narrow-mindedness of a fundamentalist christian upbringing in a small white town to the equally illusioned alternative/non-mainstream ultra-open-minded left-wing mindset, the latter characterized by varying degrees of political and social rebellion, anti-corporation, anti-media, passion for local or indie films and bands *because* of their independence, vegetarianism, environmentalism, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

i admit readily to intellectual elitism. (and other forms too, i'm sure.) perhaps it is for that reason and that reason only that i use adjectives such as "misinformed" and "illusioned" and "immature" and "short-sighted" when i characterize these people. i cannot help it. perhaps it is just that instinct to self-preservation which every one of us maintains, where we absolutely must see our own perspectives as right.

(sidenote: i am often put off by this modern trend to absolute "open-mindedness." believing that one way is right and one way is wrong is suddenly "politically incorrect". while of course i can see both sides of any issue- i adore seeing both sides- i object to people who claim to accept opposing viewpoints out of correctness. such as: "i believe this, but you can believe that and be the same as me." well, i want people to agree with me. i want people to understand how i think. otherwise, why bother thinking?)

so what is it about my beliefs that makes me unillusioned?! i'm not sure. i am very well-read and i know the basics of politics, economics, history, science, etc etc etc- so i can defend virtually any viewpoint, if not always in great detail. i believe in paradox. i know the difference between theoretical rightness and rightness in reality. i know the way the human mind works, individually and collectively, in contrast with the idealized way we imagine it might work.

i am, if anything, self-assured, anyhow! of course i don't know anything about anything, or have any of the answers, but i do my best and make my judgments. and this entry has detailed a few of them.

Sunday, June 09, 2002
home kinda early tonight- barely midnight. everyone seems to have something called "work" tomorrow, and so the wee hours of the morning are apparently for "sleep" ... i enjoy being a person of leisure (for a month now, nice) and dates have fairly ceased to have meaning. unfortunately all but two of my friends have, like, schedules and obligations. like, totally weird. what is this concept, sunday, and what is its evil companion, monday? i understand not words your.

i like people, and yet i become very, very tired of people. simultaneously. four days in a row i've been out every night. and i am tired. weary. fraught. well, not really; i'm in a perpetual good mood, being a person of leisure. (however, what goes up must come down [unless you use the little blue pills i suppose] and i may find depression 'round the next corner. it's been done, i know, but sometimes is unavoidable.) nonetheless, i am tired of people. i could easily carry on hours of conversation, and enjoy it, and at the very same time be very, very "tired" of it. that's as best as i can explain it right now. head clear not. i will go be alone with mine books. (picked up a new-to-me kurt vonnegut book, some french existentialist-type novel, and some mediocre pocket-book type thriller that "kept stephen king up till one in the morning" which is apparently a high recommendation. it's good for times such as now when i am unclear of head and weak of memory skills. and you have to love vonnegut.) good night.

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